How to Get Your Kids to Listen – The Art of Connection with Home Education
Welcome to another edition of our Growing Minds blog here at Kids Channel Montessori!
I’m Toby White—Montessori Director with over 25 years of experience, working with countless families, navigating the ups and downs of early childhood, both in the classroom and at home!
Today, we’re diving into a challenge that every parent faces at some point, especially during home education: getting kids to listen! It’s something that can test even the most patient among us—and surprisingly, the key to improving it may not be what you think.
The Great Listening Paradox
Years ago, I watched a fascinating scene unfold in our school parking lot. A mother was calling to her five-year-old son, who seemed completely absorbed in examining something on the ground. “James! James! JAMES!” she called, her voice rising with each repetition. The child appeared to have developed instant deafness.
Just then, another parent approached her own daughter, who was equally engrossed in the same discovery. “Sophie,” she said gently, walking over and crouching down, “I can see you’ve found something interesting. What is it?” Sophie immediately looked up, shared her excitement about the unusual beetle she’d discovered, and willingly joined her mother when invited.
This moment perfectly illustrates what I’ve come to understand as the great listening paradox: children are most likely to listen to us when they feel truly heard by us. After more than two decades guiding families through communication challenges, I’ve discovered that “selective hearing” is rarely about hearing at all—it’s about connection.
The Neuroscience of Feeling Heard
Modern brain research reveals something profound about human communication: when children feel understood and valued, their brains literally become more receptive to guidance and instruction.
The Connection-Communication Link
When children feel emotionally connected to their caregivers, the neurological pathways that process language and instruction function more effectively.
Research insight: Studies, such as those from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, show that children who feel heard and understood demonstrate significantly better compliance and cooperation than those who feel rushed or dismissed, regardless of the specific communication techniques used.
The Stress Response Factor
When children feel pressured, unheard, or misunderstood, their stress response systems activate, actually impeding their ability to process and respond to requests.
Director’s observation: In our classrooms, children who receive empathetic attention during challenging moments consistently show better listening and cooperation throughout the day than those whose difficulties are quickly managed or dismissed.
The Mirror Neuron Effect
Children naturally mirror the communication patterns they experience. When we listen carefully to them, they develop the neurological capacity to listen carefully to others, thanks to mirror neurons.
Personal experience: When my daughter went through a phase of seeming to ignore every request, I realized I had been multitasking during most of our conversations—checking my phone, organizing papers, thinking about dinner. The moment I began giving her my full attention when she spoke, her listening improved dramatically.
Redefining the Listening Challenge
Through working with families, I’ve come to understand that most “listening problems” are actually connection problems disguised as compliance issues.
The Attention Economy
In our busy world, attention has become a precious commodity. Children intuitively understand this and often use “not listening” as a way to secure the focused attention they crave.
Home insight: When children feel they have regular access to genuine adult attention, the attention-seeking behaviours that masquerade as defiance often disappear naturally.
The Respect Reciprocity
Children are remarkably sensitive to whether they’re being treated with genuine respect or simply managed for adult convenience. This perception significantly affects their willingness to cooperate.
Children who feel respected as individuals with valid thoughts and feelings demonstrate consistently better listening than those who feel like problems to be solved or tasks to be managed.
The Developmental Context
What appears to be deliberate ignoring often reflects normal developmental limitations in attention, processing speed, or emotional regulation rather than wilful defiance.
Director’s insight:
When we adjust our expectations and communication style to match children’s developmental capacities, as outlined in resources like those from the American Academy of Pediatrics, apparent “listening problems” often resolve without specific intervention.
The Foundation: Listening First
The most counterintuitive truth I’ve discovered about getting children to listen is this: we must become better listeners ourselves before we can expect improved listening from them.
The Quality Attention Principle
Children need periods of our undivided attention far more than they need constant partial attention.
Practical application: Instead of trying to communicate while multitasking, try offering focused attention for shorter periods. Five minutes of complete presence often accomplishes more than thirty minutes of distracted interaction.
Personal example: When my son was seven, I established a daily “check-in” time immediately after school where I put away all distractions and simply listened to whatever he wanted to share. This fifteen-minute investment eliminated most of our evening cooperation struggles.
The Validation Before Direction Approach
When children feel their perspective has been acknowledged, they become remarkably more receptive to guidance.
Language example: Instead of “Stop dawdling and get your shoes on,” try “I can see you’re really interested in that book. Shoes first, then you can bring the book in the car.”
The Emotional Processing Space
Children often need time to process their feelings before they can successfully follow directions.
Home strategy: When a child seems to be “not listening,” ask yourself: “What might they be feeling right now?” Address the emotion first, then revisit the request.
My observations: Children who have their emotional state acknowledged almost always demonstrate improved cooperation within minutes, while those whose feelings are ignored or rushed often escalate their resistance.
The Art of Effective Communication
Once we’ve established genuine connection, specific communication techniques can dramatically improve children’s responsiveness and cooperation.
The Power of Proximity and Position
Physical positioning profoundly affects communication effectiveness with children.
Best practices:
- Move close before speaking (within arm’s reach when possible)
- Get down to the child’s eye level
- Make gentle eye contact
- Use a calm, confident tone
Home application: Instead of calling instructions from across the room, walk over, kneel down, and speak directly to your child. This simple change often eliminates the need for repetition.
Personal reflection: I noticed that my children’s “selective hearing” was directly correlated with my physical distance from them. Close proximity transformed both their attention and my effectiveness.
The Language of Cooperation
How we phrase requests significantly impacts children’s willingness to respond positively.
Communication upgrades:
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- Instead of: “You never listen to me!” Try: “I need you to hear this important information.”
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- Instead of: “Hurry up, you’re so slow!” Try: “We’re leaving in five minutes. What do you need to finish?”
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- Instead of: “Can you please get ready?” (implies choice) Try: “Time to get ready. Shoes or jacket first?”
My insight: Children respond much more positively to clear, respectful direction than to questions that imply they have a choice when they actually don’t.
The One-Request Policy
One of the most effective communication strategies I’ve discovered is the “ask once nicely, once firmly, then take action” approach.
Implementation steps:
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- First request: Calm, clear, respectful
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- Second request: Firm, confident, definitive
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- Action: Follow through with natural consequences or assistance
Family example: When my children were young, I stopped repeating requests multiple times. Instead, I would say “Toys need to be picked up now” (first request), then “Toys away now, please” (second request), then I would begin helping them clean up while explaining that toys left out would be put away for tomorrow. The repeated requests stopped being necessary within days.
Strategies for Different Communication Challenges
Every family encounters predictable communication hurdles. Here are approaches I’ve found most effective for common situations:
The Morning Rush
When time pressure creates communication breakdowns, preparation and routine become essential.
Evening preparation strategy: Establish a simple evening routine where clothes, backpacks, and shoes are prepared the night before, reducing morning decision-making and potential conflict points.
Morning rhythm approach: Create a predictable sequence of activities with clear time markers rather than rushed commands. “After breakfast, it’s time for teeth and shoes.”
Personal example: We created a simple morning checklist with pictures for each child. Rather than giving multiple verbal reminders, I could simply ask “What’s next on your list?” This shifted responsibility to the child while maintaining necessary structure.
The Transition Troubles
Many children struggle with transitions between activities, leading to apparent “not listening” during these crucial moments.
Advance warning system: Provide time warnings before transitions: “Five more minutes of play time, then it’s time for dinner.”
Transition rituals: Create simple routines that help children mentally shift from one activity to another. “Let’s say goodbye to the toys and hello to the dinner table.”
Choice within structure: “It’s time to leave the park. Would you like to walk to the car or skip?”
The Homework Resistance
School-age children often develop selective hearing around academic responsibilities.
Environmental approach: Create a designated homework space that supports focus and eliminates distractions rather than trying to manage behaviour through repeated requests.
Collaboration strategy: “I notice homework time has been challenging. What would help you be more successful?” Often children have insights about what they need that adults miss.
When-then clarity: “When homework is complete, then free time begins.” This removes the parent from the role of nagging enforcer and makes the connection clear.
Building Long-Term Listening Relationships
The goal isn’t just immediate compliance—it’s developing children who choose to listen because they value communication and connection.
The Mutual Respect Foundation
Children who experience respectful communication learn to communicate respectfully themselves. Children do what children see (and hear!)
Daily practice: Speak to your child the way you would want a respectful friend to speak to you. This doesn’t mean being permissive—it means being courteous while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Director’s observation: Families who prioritize mutual respect in their communication patterns consistently report better cooperation and fewer power struggles than those focused primarily on obedience.
The Problem-Solving Partnership
As children mature, involving them in solving communication challenges builds both listening skills and cooperative attitudes.
Family meeting approach: “Our morning routines have been stressful lately. What are your ideas for making them smoother?” Children often suggest solutions adults wouldn’t consider.
Personal experience: When my teenage daughter and I were having recurring conflicts about curfew, we sat down together to problem-solve rather than me simply enforcing rules. The collaborative approach led to agreements we both felt good about and dramatically reduced compliance issues.
The Emotional Intelligence Development
Children who understand their own emotional patterns become better communicators and listeners.
Feeling awareness practice: “I notice you seem frustrated when I ask you to clean up right after you’ve started a new activity. What would work better?”
Children who learn to recognize and articulate their emotional needs develop much stronger cooperation skills than those whose feelings are consistently overridden by adult agendas.
When Listening Challenges Persist
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication difficulties continue. Here’s how to assess and address ongoing challenges:
The Underlying Needs Assessment
Persistent “not listening” often signals unmet developmental or emotional needs.
Questions to consider:
- Is my child getting enough sleep, nutrition, and physical activity?
- Are they overwhelmed by too many demands or transitions?
- Do they have adequate opportunity for autonomy and choice in their daily life?
- Are they experiencing stress from school, friendships, or family changes?
The Communication Style Match
Some children respond better to different communication approaches based on their temperament and learning style.
Adaptations to try:
- Visual learners: Use pictures, charts, or written reminders
- Kinaesthetic learners: Incorporate movement into instructions
- Auditory processors: Use rhythm, songs, or verbal repetition
- Sensitive children: Lower voice volume and increase processing time
The Professional Support Consideration
Occasionally, persistent listening challenges may indicate underlying issues that benefit from professional assessment.
When to seek support:
- Communication difficulties significantly impact daily functioning
- Child seems unable to process or remember simple instructions consistently
- Listening challenges are accompanied by other developmental concerns
- Family stress around communication is affecting relationships
Director’s insight: Early intervention for communication challenges, as recommended by organizations like Zero to Three, often prevents more significant difficulties later and supports the whole family’s wellbeing.
Starting Tomorrow: Three Connection-Building Practices
Here are my recommendations for transforming your family’s communication patterns:
Practice Presence Before Requests
Before making any request of your child, ensure you have their attention through connection rather than demanding it through volume or repetition.
Quick application: Tomorrow morning, try walking to your child, getting at their eye level, and waiting for eye contact before giving any instructions. Notice how this changes both their responsiveness and your experience.
Replace Commands with Collaboration
When faced with resistance, try asking “What would help you be successful with this?” instead of repeating the same request more forcefully.
Language shift: Instead of “You need to clean your room now!” try “I see you’re having trouble getting started with room cleaning. What would make this easier?”
Looking Forward: Communication as Connection
The listening skills we help our children develop in these early years become the foundation for all their future relationships—with friends, teachers, partners, and eventually their own children. When we prioritize connection over compliance, we’re not just solving today’s cooperation challenges—we’re raising humans who understand the value of genuine communication.
The greatest gift we can give our children isn’t perfect behaviour—it’s the security of knowing they’re heard, understood, and valued exactly as they are.
If you enjoyed this article, love to hear from you!
Toby White has served as Director at Kids Channel Montessori for over 25 years, guiding hundreds of families through the journey of supporting children’s natural development. As a father who has raised children through their formative years and beyond, he brings both professional expertise and personal parenting wisdom to these discussions about communication and connection.
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